I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
