I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
