the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
