Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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