I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
