By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
