His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
