Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
