did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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