So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
