Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
