I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
