i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
