so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
