I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You dont lie about slip and slides
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
