worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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