the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
