When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
