Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
