is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
