how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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