dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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