I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
