so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
