The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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