I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
