So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
