Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
