just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
