Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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