Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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