she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
