I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
