ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
