I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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