We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize