I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize