You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
