coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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