At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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