I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
