I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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