She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
