I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize