So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
