1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize