You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
