I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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