I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
