I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
