??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I touched a dick in church today
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
