I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
