i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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