Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
