based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
