I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
