One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
