I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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