so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
