did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I won't apologize to a one balled man
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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